In Matthew 10, Jesus tells his disciples “Anyone who loves
his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son
or daughter more than me is not worthy of me, and anyone who does not take up
his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose
it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
I have been a little frustrated with God… for a while. I so
badly want to get married and have a family. It’s a dream. Deep in my being, it’s
what I want. But God has continued to not let that happen for me. And there are
times I get really angry and resentful about it. I remind God about how long I
have waited and how long I have strived to remain pure and patient… and yet, he
still fails to open this door for me.
At the same time, if I can’t start my own family, you think
He’d let me be closer the family I already have, right? No. He pulls me hours
from them. Separated. Lonely. And angry. That’s me.
We looked at the story of Job this week at Youth Ministry Conclave. And, yes, I realize
that the situation I’m describing isn’t really the same deep tragedy and loss
that Job faced. But, let’s face it… my situation keeps me from facing that same
tragedy and loss, because I can’t even have it to begin with! Ok, calming down.
Anyway, in the midst of tough stuff, Kara Powell referenced something she heard
someone else say… I DO NOT KNOW why God would let that happen BUT I DO KNOW…
and she listed several things we do know about God in the midst of any
situation. And, I broke down that night during worship. I had to tell the Lord how sorry I am
that I am still holding onto this grudge. I’m still bitter that he hasn’t let
me experience this part of life yet. It’s a bitterness I have been ignoring for
a while, but it’s been eating away at my heart and soul. I have been so tired
of waiting and putting up with the endless clichés and not-so-helpful advice many friends and family members. I don’t know if God will ever let me realize this dream.
I honestly don’t know. And it breaks my heart once again to consider that. That
he just might not have that in His plan for me. And I DON’T KNOW why He would
let me desire something so greatly and then not provide it…. BUT I DO KNOW “his
ways are higher than my ways” and that ultimately his plan is better than my
plan. No one can imagine the plans that the Lord has for those who love Him
right? So here I am… laying this at His feet once again. I just want to let it
go and love Him more. I love Him more than this dream of mine. I love Him more
than even my own mother and father. I love him more than any dream-son or
dream-daughter. I love Him more than the future I want for myself. Instead of
trying to find “MY” life here on this earth, I choose to lose my life for His
sake so that I can find true life.
The other thing Kara Powell said that has rung deep into my
bones is this: If God is the great I AM, then I must be the great I AM NOT.
Surrender. Humility. Servant. Follower of Christ. I want that to be me.
